feeling broken.
need more laughter in my life
& fewer feelings of insecurity.
plus no more heartache.

what to do, what to do...

tonight is a night that i will write and write and write.

i'm not sure why i stopped blogging .. but if i had to guess, i think i would have to attribute it to the fact that keeping a journal can make your reality more real.
that's the last thing i've wanted these past 18 months.

but it's all come to a head now, all come full circle. there are too many ideas in my head and not enough on paper. my mind is generally overtaxed. yet, on some occassions i worry that i'm too efficient at forgetting..

compartmentalizing... oh yeah. i used to be pretty skilled at it.
used to know how to fall out of love just at the point where it got dangerous.
used to know how to channel frustration and anger in a way that was both constructive and creative.

[oh, nostalgia, forever my mistress. ]

these days i'm in one of those places where the past is more enticing that the present. in the past, i had my grandma, my grandpa, my dad. i had a life that was familiar. i had buffalo. my mother had her practice and her husband and her health.

in the present, i am infinitely more lonely in the world. my father's gone, my grandparents are gone, and so are a number of my former friendships..

i feel like an anachronism. what is a thinking and feeling woman in this age, anyway?

can't get respect from anyone..be in my mother or lover.
don't know how to raise my voice loud enough to call my employer and bitch them out about holding back my final check.
can't think of enough good attributes to write a personal statement for law school.
bascially, i can't do shit.

so i brood and i write, and continue to hope that i'll find my saving thing. .

never thought i'd quote james brown on anything, but truer words have never been said:

"if i keep loving you, my life will be ruined.."

(get it together)

today's small victories:

+received a care package from trace that made my heart smile.
+sent off a copy of my senior thesis to the head of the my old department. looks as though it will be published in the yale journal of sociology next month.
+got confirmation from three professors that they will supply me with letters of recommendation for law school and grad school.
+downloaded a keygen that lets me play green thumb cards (my all time favorite shareware computer game) forever and ever ever.
+redid my myspace page.

i am sick of having my very existence ignored by the person i spent the last six months of my life with.

i am sick of waiting, sick of grace periods, sick of reservering judgement, sick of waiting by the phone for overdue calls.

after two weeks of this lovelorn shiva, i have tired of heartache and am finally moving on...

that's not to say that i've succeded in constructing emotional barriers... as i've proven countless times before, distancing myself from people i love is an industry in which i am utterly useless.

tonight, however, i managed to put up several symbolic guardrails (e.g. erasing cyberspace ties) and i think that's something to build upon...

wish me luck.

Some women are bisexual.
1. Sometimes it means they fancy women as much as men.
2. Sometimes it means they fancy men more than women.
3. Sometimes it means they fancy women more than men.
4. Sometimes who they fancy varies.
5. Often it means they don't really care about gender at all.
6. It doesn't mean they'll shag anyone.
7. It doesn't mean they'll have a high sex drive.
8. It doesn't mean they are into open/multiple relationships.
9. It doesn't mean they'll automatically dump a dyke for a bloke. If she has no preference as to gender, it's just as likely she'll dump you for another woman. Think about it - what difference does it make?
10. A bisexual woman is no more likely to dump you than another dyke is.

find this and other gems at lj: suckitupdyke

3 ways you know that you've been dumped on the facebook.

your gf/bf's relationship status has mysteriously changed
you no longer appear on their list of interests
all photographs featuring the two of you together have been mysteriously untagged

i miss my dad so much.

feeling very sad, very alone, very untethered.. as well as neglected, misunderstood, walked on.

what's worse, i feel like after all of my degrees, i still can't communicate effectively with people, most importantly the people i love.

my lady sees all this torment in me but doesn't undertand any of it and dosen't ask for clarification. she doesn't understand that the only reason i'm here in this lonely stoic city is so that i can be with her. doesn't know that it hurts to be rejected when you crave human contact just so that you can be reminded that you're a human as well. makes me wonder whether or not we're a sinking ship.. hmm, perhaps if i was articulate enough to SPEAK MY MIND this situation wouldn't have gotten so hulking and suffocatingly large

you know you're having a bad day when the thought of sinking into your sheets forever feels like bliss.