tonight's festivities consisted of herstory & history plus chips & chai.

i only have three weeks left here and it makes me want to cry. i never cry.

trust restored, by the way.

happy to report that i almost got myself killed tonight. ate some fucking tomoato nonsense with wheat. i've downed one shot of epinepherine & two benyadryl allergy tablets since then. had to do it infront of an intern named virgina, too. only hope that the hotel staff don't suspect that i'm an iv drug user.

after self-medicating, i had a long talk w/ virgina. safe to say, my mistrust in 'le mec' has been restored. i have to say, i'm a bit greatful for the emotional intervention, because it increases the likelhood that i'll be straight up regarding my concerns when we meet tomorrow.

in addition, it means that i'll stop listening to bob marley and dreaming abut getting good loving on a jamaican beach. which is to say, my emotional safeguards will remain intact. the antihistamine is kicking in. argh.

if i die before i wake..

had to break plans with david tonight (because i'm at a stupid conference) and i have to say that i'm not handling it well at all. i'm feeling terribly grumpy, almost irrationally so. to be frank, something gave way last night. some final, emotional barrier. part of me things its because i sat down and wrote so much last night -- 6.5 pages to be exact. suddently, i'm not so convinced that david is trying to screw me over. somthing abut the way we were with each other on sunday. i'm also not surprised anymore that he's been thinking aobut the future. i myself have been thinking about return trips to kenya all day long.

it seems like im begining to trust david. heck, i'm even starting to pine for him. to have my moods mussled. starting to miss him.

i think i'd be in love if only i saw him smile at me more often.