i am becoming positively addicted to blogging. i am sad, happy, pissy, whiny, sexy.. therefore i blog. anything that comes to mind. whatever is in my head. self expression. hmm. delicious and devestating at the same time.

i have decided to completely reprioritize my life. in the future, upon meeting people, i will hand them a questionaire to fill out, entitled ' what do you really want from me?' i have a decreasing tolerance for feeling insecure within my relationships. i also HATE speculation. but mostly, its the insecurity thing that completely saps me of positivity and self esteem. (why the hell do i feel guilty about calling you on the phone!?! why do i permit myself to feel this way?? ) ziji, ziji. it means 'by or for oneself' in chinese. the past few months have almost been a religious experience, in the sense that i have spent all my time looking for sources of meaning outside of myself ... its absolutely riduclous! no more, no more, no more.

i was the first person in the library today.

please stop spamming my mailbox with crush emails

blah.

hmm. so its platonic.

i'm going to kiss the next guy i see walking down the street. in the meantime, i should probably invest in a vibrator.

my website was down for 24 hours, but its back, in all its skanky glory.

mediocre day. the kind when you realize its midnight and then you say, 'shit, what the hell did i do tonight?!?!' haven't done any homework yet, but i've managed to squeeze in alot of paper-stress time, which is always useful.

when i call home, my little sisters always chastise me about not getting any ass. they are 16 and 17, goddammit. (my mom chimes in too!) isn't this problematic?

good to begin well, better to end well. good to end. tonight's theme is transcendence. i have that ugly ' i didn't get any email' feeling in the pit of my stomach. something about the way my plans for spring break don't exist is also bothering me. so is the eternal frustration of not being able to read people's minds.

when will i actually realize myself in the form that i idealize? its silly and its funny and its silly all at the same time how much i aspire to be. sometimes i can't tell whether this yale shit is positive or negative. admittedly, i'm not impressed by the people that i meet all that often (impressed that they are smart asses, yeeah!), but still. there is all this innate competiveness (subtle, yes). you want to know what makes them so good. and you want to be better. or you want to be good too, in your own right. blah. fight the blah. fight the fight.

i wore my sexy pants today but i still feel icky. maybe its the just the internet that i hate? and mail. mailboxes. i can't remember the last time my computer made me feel good

every single week, i allocate some portion of my time to talking to catherine (katie, katie! fine! ) online. i call it my 'mandatory procrastination time.' the conversations we have are absolutely delightful.. i think that i have literally saved every single one. here are some more quotes for you to enjoy:

moglidabear: :-) its sad when you have fantasies about teenage boys
moglidabear: instead of sexy long haired italian men
redhairphoenix: as opposed to?
redhairphoenix: hahaha
moglidabear:oh, its also sad when your fantasies consist strictly of holding hands and making out
---
redhairphoenix: hehe, i think you'd like les savy fav
moglidabear: hehe..thats a band?
moglidabear: i thought you were saying something in french
redhairphoenix: oh
redhairphoenix: hahaha, yeah
redhairphoenix: dude, you TOOK french!
---

moglidabear: isn't it a silly feeling when just thinking about somebody makes you smile?
redhairphoenix: haha
redhairphoenix: i'm really jealous of you
moglidabear: jealous of?
redhairphoenix: your relationship
moglidabear technically, there is none
moglidabear: all i've got is unrequited lust, baby!

this website literally gives me the chills... in the good way, that is.

Protest Pics From Around The World, Feb 15

i got four clues today from that stupid 'someone has a crush on you' thing by entering in 25 fake email addresses. the person who loooves me has black hair, likes to shop for clothes, ideally would walk through the park on a date, and is between 17-21...

fuck you!

in other news, i accomplished ABSOLUTELY nothing today. nada. zipo. talked to jade/zara for 3 hours, my mom for an hour and a half, and radah chebat for 17 minutes. (too bad i was supposed to be preparing for a midterm, aye? )

by the way, the numbers coming back from the anti war protests are astounding ! ! ! i am browsing through articles in the times and cnn, and i literally have the chills. these words were actually printed in the NYT:

"For the moment, an exceptional phenomenon has appeared on the streets of world cities. It may not be as profound as the people's revolutions across Eastern Europe in 1989 or in Europe's class struggles of 1848, but politicians and leaders are unlikely to ignore it"

this war is not a consensus .. democracy begins in the streets!

i tripped around new york city today, and mangaged to survive the entire experience on a 4-pack of pudding snacks, 3 clementines, an iced tea, and a bowl of soup. (approx 600 calories total :)

also walked 30 - 50+ blocks. the anti-war protest that i was in town for was a big disappointment. because law enforcement gave us a hard time, there were lots of distractions from the actual symbolic goal of the event. i cringe to think how the media is going to report it. it annoys me when good things get fucked up

after 4+ hours of standing outside in protest mode, i went to warm up at a barnes & noble. then, tess and i snuck a quick meal (the tiniest bowl of soup you could ever imagine) at a turkish dive. after that, we went to see sleater-kinney . it was very very cool... i was way too short to see much of anything (and they didn't play the set list that i exactly wanted to hear ), but sometimes the music really hit home. a couple of songs off of one beat, and then renditions of 'dig me out,' 'call the doctor,' etc really did it for me... i sang and danced myself hoarse. i also got a foo fighters button

peter met me in nyc for the show. its funny how many times our relationship has rewritten itself in my head over the past 48 hours. yesterday we talked and messed around with guitars until 3:30 am, and tonight's activites ran from 7pm until 2:45am. i have decided that he is irresistiably delightful to be around.

these past two days have been so fullfilling, its disgustingly fantastic... but then comes sunday -- the worst day of my life, only cycled back every week..

adios