my revealation for the day: there are no words to describe pain, without some kind of symbolic pairing...usually darkness, or emptiness, pitted against fairer virtues... or the opposite, i guess, like robert frost's designs, an alabaster white death. but they are always just words .. not a conception of the actual feeling. i feel so limited by the english language, or atleast the little that i know of it, anyways. to me, pain is realizing that you forgot to do something as basic as breathe in the wave of the everyday humdrum-- the searing feeling inside your lungs as they hunger for air. i saw a picture of my grandmother yesterday and i realized that i hadn't even paused to think about her during the past month. it was a suffocating kind of hurt.. i feel so negligent.

i realized that so much of my life hinges on the idea of familiarity. everything that is pleasing or displeasing or ideal or objectionable sums itself up as a factor of my level of comfort. it makes everything in my life transitory. i went to tasp and became fixed and attached, and when i returned home i ached from a sense of loss. then after several weeks, i forgot the feeling. i became reacclimated. the past and its emotion disipated, almost as if it was rewritten.. i've become familliar with checking the taspboard every night, with restraining my communication to electronic messages. i've become famiiliar with not hearing from thiago, david , yili, sam or linda...

it frightens me that my emotion is so hinged on time and location. it blurrs my perception of history. i only know what has intergrated itself into my schedule.. talking to the same 20 people at school, rehasing the same dull homework assignments, sleeping through the same classes, emailing the same list of cyberspace friends.. i've become too comfortable with everything.. i hate the mundainity