after spending way too many days holed up in the house (in front of the computer and the tv), i visited my high school, and saw erica and candice. i still don't necessarily feel like i've managed my vacation time well. i don;t know. i also feel a bit like i've been searching for something that's absent... one of my basic necessities as a human being is to feel cared for by the people that i extend myself to. for instance, not replying to my emails is not okay. i read a lot into silences! ... oh well.

( translation: if i speak, its because i want to be spoken to. thats the way it works, clear? call, response. i say banana, you say banana. i have every right to be offended when the system doesn't work on account of YOU.

p.s please email me grievances if you think i'm similarly ignoring you. i'll mend my ways, i swear!)

right now, i'm watching unfaithful for the love (ahem, sex) scenes. sappy

( translation: why is diane lane banging the frenchie? i want to bang the frenchie! )

jade: how you feelin?
me: bewildered, powerless, and depressed
jade: WHY ARE YOU FEELING LIKE THAT???
me: generally, when i am reminded that the world is fucked up, i try to be as miserable as possible. vicariously, that is. sometimes it leads to good poetry

"The case this administration tries to make to justify its fixation with war is tainted by charges of falsified documents and circumstantial evidence. There is no credible information to connect Saddam Hussein to 9/11. We cannot convince the world of the necessity of this war for one simple reason. This is a war of choice."
Sen. Byrd, the oldest voice in Congress, on the War against Iraq 19-03-2003

i've been scowling all day. i don't know, maybe being back home is the opposite if what i've first expressed: its way too real... i've been reduced, made small, my voice nullified. i realize, now, that school acts as a buffer; being a student is a position of comfort and relative power, as well as severe myopia. in buffalo, i can't hide behind textbooks and claim to be making a difference

ack, ack, ack. war over diplomacy.. i've been boycotting the television for the past three days

my mind has been racing all night: its the quickest way for me to become stir crazy. i logged on instant messanger around 9 o clock, and stayed on until 2am because i really needed to talk, to speak, to enunciate... sometimes i talk and i write, and then suddenly things make sense of themselves. tonight, i had to articulate the same feeling three times over to finally understand what was bursting forth from me through language

moglidabear: i dont know. knowing that buffalo is somehow no longer the real world
moglidabear: and that yale is also not necessarily the real world has me feeing like i am in limbo
moglidabear: its really weird, and really really unsettling
moglidabear: in the sense that nothing feels right anymore
moglidabear: i don;t know. i dont think i can express much more, because i haven;t really thought it all through
moglidabear: i just know that, right now, my whole world feels fake
* 17 mar 2003 - - - rootsrock9

moglidabear: i guess maybe i'm realizing how much i have come to depend on things being structured that way
moglidabear: everything at school is so ego-centrically focused, so introverted, and small.. behind gates. so managed. i don;t even have time to think, really. i dont have time to let myself stagnate
ricochet2112: i mean, i think yale is definitely different from the real world in that sense, but i think that just my being conscious of that fact is enough to keep me from worrying about it
moglidabear: well...hmm. i feel the same way about home, i think. weird, huh?
moglidabear: maybe thats even why i haven;t made moves to contact my friends
moglidabear: its a little bit too surreal for me to even bother worrying about
*17 mar 2003 - - - ricochet2112

moglidabear: sometimes talking to people helps you articulate thoughts and ideas that you wouldn't ordinarily be able to even pronounce
redhairphoenix: definately
redhairphoenix: humans are dependant on social contack
redhairphoenix: contact
moglidabear: tell me aobut it
moglidabear: i've been online for the past 5 hours i think
moglidabear: i kind of just craved contact
moglidabear: the familiar type. not even the type i could get here, from people like khuyen and candice
moglidabear: in a way, i feel like we are out of touch
redhairphoenix: you and candice?
moglidabear: well, me and buffalo, i guess, more accurately
moglidabear: i keep trying to remind myself that the people and structures here are still important to my life
redhairphoenix: its hard to assimilate in college and still leave emotional attachments at home
*17 mar 2003 - - - redhairphoenix

war in 48 hours...

i stand indignant.

after traveling all across the northeast for the past week, its strange being deposited back home. the weirdest thing i've experienced in my 12 hours back is the news... before being exposed to mass amounts of media coverage on iraq, i never realized how difficult it is to have an independant intellect in this country. propaganda is imbeded in everything.. even news, the recitation of facts. last week, one of my friends likened the period of flux that the country is in to that of the 1950's. i never imagined the existence of that kind of circularity of historical events .. however, the red-scare has all but reapeared: we hate the french, we burn the dixie chicks in efigy for insulting the president (bush's war is gonna fail, kinda like he did at yale.. a popular new haven anti-war chant), and people wearing peace tshirts are arrestable. we are afraid of arabs.

america, post 911, is hued by insurgent nationalism fused with infathomable amounts of inequity. what we remember of the 1950's are poodle skirts and drive in's, yet the civil rights movement and the repeal of jim crow hadn't even made it to the books... in 2002 - 2003 , civil liberties are again being ignored and reversed.. (the patriot act, forced registration and "disappearing" of muslim nationalists, preemptive war/ breech of international law...) in favor of a garish public culture of flag waving and high fashion. the home cooked simplicity of a simple minded president. ugh ugh ugh. i take a somewhat exhaustive delight in imagining how this period will be rearticulated 10 years from now in history books.

other news: visited georgia, zara, nii. home on sunday. birthday party and birthday dinner (india gate). they gave me happy birthday kheer.. it was delightful :)

right now, i'm hanging out in my room with the ac on. the weather is finally springy... listening to a love slow jams mix tape & trying to get over this nasty cold. i am such a mushy romantic. and such a pissed-off indignant raging/radical ass woman. i am going to conquer this system and its laws one day. i am going to train and master the laws, and then i'm going to master it.... the whole damn thing, this political game

zaijian