my existence has been really awkward lately, in the sense that the things i attribute meaning to are constantly being changed. at one moment the matter of superior importance is spats with my friends, at another moment its my non-relationship.. and now its death. grieving, the felling of yet another branch of my family tree. and in retrospect, everything else is irrelevant. the smiles i've had have missed the point... all the other ways that i have tried to be analytical. the frivilousness of my day to day i almost hate now... what there is, what is real are just these kinetic waves of loss, of stuffy noses and wooly headaches, and isolation... knowing that i am more alone in the world.

i am starting to wonder if this is the only authentic experience, in terms of existentialism, transcendence....suffering, mourning, being drained, even. sick and tired, the feelings that i identify with most at the moment... isn't that human existence? isn't that the experience that is shared by all? this bleeding heart.. every once in a i allow myself to be wrecked, to read the news and obituaries and really be haunted.. and it is the only time that i am convinced that i am alive, and that i know what its like to be standing on every corner of the world

i think there are other vital feelings.. there is love. maybe thats all that exists to conquer it, but it exists nonetheless: moments of peace, quietude. but still.. maybe all of this is a conceit. maybe this is my brave new world.. these layers that defer feeling. the synthetic whole: the clothes, the televisions, the drugs, the frivilousness, the sunlight shining down and obscuring one's perogative to lament.. we have such biases towards vulnerability. if you strip it all away, all the emotional, experiential checks, you become me right now... sick and tired, runny nosed and without strategy. sitting in a dark room infront of a computer with no notion of what to do, how to feel. aware of your own head pounding

i think this is the only tableau upon which i can make sense of the world. the only macro-analysis that i have found to fit.

i am beyond ...right now. i don't know what fits in the blank.. at first i was going to say numb, buts it not that. i just feel a hole, the absence of something. the lack of clarity. perhaps i am just beyond myself ( email, 5/05/02)