its strange to think that you actually do understand your mother. however, for a 2 hour window on saturday, i was able to see through everything, all of the layers, all of the walls. it was less through my own doing that hers... she more or less unfolded, unwrapped herself from all the inmsulate sheathing.

i showed my mother the memoir essay that i had written about my dad. she reacted very strongly to it, told me that i had to continue writing, that i shouldn't ever stop. she also thanked me for the photography work that i had done of my grandfather's house. it was the most stirring encouragement she has ever given me.

on sunday, i spoke to candice for a couiple of hours. after getting off the phone, i realized the extent to which i NEED to keep moving, keep reading, keep learning. for years now, i have been trying to become the best leftist that i can, instead of the most whole person. i'm being facetious.. however, i have been nothing but a critic, a deconstructionist for years. someone who pokes holes in the fabric, exposes fraud, expresses cynicism. my fuel has been disgust for society, my personhood has been rejection of social custom, my religion has been cocking my eyebrow and shaking my head.

my revelation:
i can't change my nature and i don't want to. however, if this way of living is my intution, if it is permanent, then i don't have to labor to make it work. i don't need the added layer of self-conciounsness, dogmatism. if this is what i am, then i am incapable of betraying it, no matter where i am in the world, no matter whether i am naked or clothed, no matter what book i'm reading. so, in my rejection of sociology, i want to discover something new, AFFIRMATIVE, life giving.

i have decided that my project for the summer will be two-part -- on one front i want to live well, which is to say, living according to all of my expectations. as of today, i am recanting all television in favor of books, and email and etc in favor of telephone calls and seeking out people's voices. i want to have much deeper understanding of things -- texts, philsophies, and the people in my life. right now, i feel much more uneducated than i should be, and much more private/inhibited than i wish i was. i have to stop living in my head.

on the second front, i want to go out into the world with new eyes. i want to feel awe all of the time.. i want to look at things with wonder and appreciation. i think its simply a matter of paying better attention.

alas, voila, my plan for the summer:

weekly summer reading:
-Durkheim, Marx, Weber, Chompsky (re-reading for SOCY), stuff on the Israeli Conflict, Cormier's Che Guevera, Huxley's Island & Point Counter Point, Le Guin's Disposessed (if i can find it), Audre Lorde's Zami, Balzac's Le Pere Goriot,Culture and Consciousness, The Fate of Man
-books on Eastern religion, philosophy, metaphysics
-social histories on third world feminism, social movements and resistance movements

leaving the television off
practicing chinese, french, and swahilli (??)
resuming tai-chi and studying meditation
taking pictures
writing

TRAVELING..

i leave for nairobi in a couple of days. hopefully i'll be able to fit all of these books in a suitcase