i should have stuck with my nash equilibrium.. compete, compete, compete

sigh, i feel like the girl who tripped and skinned her knee, but tried her best to not limp on the way home...
keep my face fixed.

i'm not crazy, am i? why can't i find something REAL?

there must be a disconnect between my eyes, mind and heart.

My pussy doesn't meow, it roars -- for peace.

self-love NOT war

http://www.nata2.info/humor/flash/

the pupil


i'm being (re-) educated to take small steps,
stir small winds
feel that my heart doesn't matter
know my lessons well

(devoirs:)
each night i practice all the ways
i can fold myself up and
disappear --
spine bent, temple to
knee, forehead to shin ,
eyes and mind disconnected so that
the lansdcape reads
unbroken
like an
offset page.

the equations are barely hidden by
chalk lines --

(leçon une:)
ecrire, répéter, apprendre par coeur
ecrire, répéter, apprendre par coeur--

to know is to
jerk arms up-and-down well,
nod with enthusiasm and
flex one's jaw with
the grace of a
gearshift

must i resign myself to this teaching?
pacing these same 5 blocks on cold nights,
dodging shadow hands and potholes --
clutching ink-stained loose leaf,
coughing up chalk dust like steam?

must i resign myself to the knowledge that
if i claw away at all the marble and concrete,
collapse the canon, feel and think --
that if i take my fist to these
walls,
my palm will never
win?

hello.

there are no more songwriters... the species has simply gone extinct.
rest in peace, elliot smith.

j'adore french rap.

as we grow older, do we have more nightmares? it'd be hard to explain where that was coming from. alas...

Le temps n'est plus beau. C'est triste, ça. Je manque le soleil sur mon dos...

ellipsis

nothing lasts forever;

conversely,

      the stars are lined up
across the sky in such a
     way -- that if this were
my last hour,
     last minute,
        last second;
     final breath already
exhaled,
     I wouldn’t change the world.

Whatever life is
It’s always awkward
Like a fumbling in the dark
Or a toddler’s first steps

Sometimes
Meter and measure
Dizzy me
This world is a mystery
Take it in
Small doses and
Smile.

il s'agit de soi.

(adieu, adieu, adieu)

someone lovely might grab you up one day, -- if you let them.

ha ha da xiao.

you're looking for a Frisky Fling


You're ready for an adventurous, free-spirited affair to remember. And if it comes in the form of someone who shakes up your world a bit, helps you expand your horizons, then decides to stay for awhile — all the better.

It's not that you don't want a serious relationship. It's just that you might rather get there with someone who's equally committed to having fun for now.

so says Emode.com..

Chinyere, you're Hot 'n' Sexy

When you enter a room, all eyes gravitate toward you. Like a moth to a flame, people can't help but notice you. Maybe it's how you casually move through a crowd or that glow you give off when you flash that smile. You're hot and it shows. Could it be the haircut that says it all about you, the jeans that fit just right, or the casual way you saunter across a room looking confident from all angles?

You have an air about you that commands respect from men and women alike. You possess such outward strength that these people ache to be around you. When you speak, people hang on your every word. You are so full of charisma and cachet that, whether in a business or social setting, you can gauge the mood in the room and offer the right compliment or provocative statement for any scene. Do you have a secret intuition about how people work? Just maybe. And that's one of the sexiest things about you.

hah. on that note, je me sens toute seule.

EVOL.

i had a rather lovely day. the weather here is beautiful.

why am i miserable every friday?.

sometimes i hate this campus.

i recieved two lovely emails this week. and i discovered some beautiful, beautiful street poetry. a man's homage to a secret love. sigh.

on n' a pas besoin, de chercher si loin
on trouve ce qu'il veut à côte de chez soi

je veux m'ameliorer
i know nothing, nothing at all.

le paradis est fait en asphalte

i wore my pajamas for most of the day, and took a long nap... it was delightful. i think, tonight, my sister and i are going to have a book reading sleepover party. my goal is to start/finish a che biography in french ( i gave up on zola's le bonheur des dames for now)

je suis fatiguée

updates galore. figured out how to open up images in (new) tiny windows. (yay!!)

visit ours/mine/yr's for stuff from paris

images from paris are finally beginning to arrive. half color lab/half darkroom (noir et blanc). stay tuned

j'ai redécouvert une poème que j'ai écrite il y a deux ans. voila:

Vide

Ma vie est
vide.
Les jours passent
sans lumière,
et le phantôme
de mon bonheur
me hante comme
les cries
d’une enfant
accablée de douleur.

Ca fait huit mois,
peut-être ---
je ne sais pas,
les temps a cessé
et je ne me donnais
jamais le peine
de trouver ma place
entre les ombres et éclats.

Ta voix était
un fil en or,
tissant les rêves et
les nuages, et
tes yeux,
un petit port où
les eaux calmes
battaient, et les
bateaux embarquaient
pour les étoiles.

Ton âme était
si essentiel a moi,
un baume pour
ma douleur, ma
poitrive, le trou où
autrefois, ma coeur
a brulé,
et dans ton absence,
ma vie est vide ---

Comme les dernières neiges,
J'attend quelqu'un qui
peut me montrer
le chemin pour aller chez moi.

i havent read x-files fic in foreever, but i stumbled across some today, and i found this quote:

"Character is not portrayed by what a man does when no one is looking, but rather the words he mutters while he is waiting for his modem to
dial-up. "

it was so random it made me laugh. anyways, since france, i have taken to muttering under my breath in les langues étrangères ... putain, merde, la la la. in actual news, i saw catherine and erica today, khuyen and hykhuong, and went to india gate and ate way too much food. i think perhaps i will reintergrate more fully vers la fin de la semaine. alors..

bonne nuit

oui, ça va!

putain... im home. and ive forgtten how to type with an american keyboard.

bises

en traduction:

Sans Titre ( dans la memoire de benjamin ezie)

nous formons une queqe: la veuve, la soeur,
la guérisseure , une nièce; la fille ne nait pas encore
habillées dans le blanc avec
nos têtes rempliées sous le tissu lourd
récits de peine bougent à travers
nos cordes vocales comme une corde
étant faite une boucle et tirée

nous tournons pour chuchoter de petits cris perçants
dans les oreilles de une à l'autre
avec les langues coupées
et nos douleurs émergent un petit vent silencieux

dans cette unité palliative des femmes qui
s'manquent leurs hommes, leurs fils
les lymphocytes transfusent pour des larmes
et un nouvel genre de plasma est créé.

peut-être la métaphore nous sauvera tous

i return home in a little more than a week, and i am rather ambivalent about rentry.. i think, in the pit of my stomach, i want to wow everyone with my french, but that isnt likely... i simply need more time here for that, more immersion, less contacts to the anglophone empire ( i have consistently spoken more english than french) so perhaps part of me wants to stay on for those reasons, which are strictly academic. nonetheless, i am looking forward to seeing everyone that i left behind, alot... while this summer has been many glorious things, it certainly has left me thirsty for company

things that i dont want to do.. i dont want to head back to yale. just dont wanna. im not interested in being hurled back onto a stack of books. i am sure this year will be much better than last, (because it has to be, its essential to my mental health) but i kind of detest playing the role of the egomanical, boxed in student. i also have identified a need within myself to transcend my campus, to exist outside of it; but im not sure how that can be achieved. yale is a world that extends 5 blocks, and smuts out the rest of the city. im pretty sure that id rather be of the other world
(email, 27 july)

hwar hwar hwar

this gave me a good, hearty laugh:

ANI DIFRANCO: "it's time to get our government to pull its big dick out of the sand of someone else's desert & put it back in its pants."


vivre la france

je vais bien, en cas vous vous étiez interessés.

tu me souviens?

sometimes, walking down the streets of Paris, i want nothing more than to scream out in my mother tongue

paris rocks

learning french has become my new obsession. we shall see how i fair...

just finished spending two hours sitting with my mom, talking. she warned me against chasing after gay jewish boys (ahem.).. because i told her that i didn't care for homophobic christian men. as for now, my summer to-do list consists of such:

review french
reread brave new world
learn to meditate (??)
take lots of candle-lit baths
get my ear repierced
exercise/ athleticize
learn how to cook vegetarian
get a job
do photo
read lots and lots
chinese practice
redesign the website

yeah.

my head hurts. school is out. my flirtation with romance has all but ended... headed home to who knows.

ah. another year.

my existence has been really awkward lately, in the sense that the things i attribute meaning to are constantly being changed. at one moment the matter of superior importance is spats with my friends, at another moment its my non-relationship.. and now its death. grieving, the felling of yet another branch of my family tree. and in retrospect, everything else is irrelevant. the smiles i've had have missed the point... all the other ways that i have tried to be analytical. the frivilousness of my day to day i almost hate now... what there is, what is real are just these kinetic waves of loss, of stuffy noses and wooly headaches, and isolation... knowing that i am more alone in the world.

i am starting to wonder if this is the only authentic experience, in terms of existentialism, transcendence....suffering, mourning, being drained, even. sick and tired, the feelings that i identify with most at the moment... isn't that human existence? isn't that the experience that is shared by all? this bleeding heart.. every once in a i allow myself to be wrecked, to read the news and obituaries and really be haunted.. and it is the only time that i am convinced that i am alive, and that i know what its like to be standing on every corner of the world

i think there are other vital feelings.. there is love. maybe thats all that exists to conquer it, but it exists nonetheless: moments of peace, quietude. but still.. maybe all of this is a conceit. maybe this is my brave new world.. these layers that defer feeling. the synthetic whole: the clothes, the televisions, the drugs, the frivilousness, the sunlight shining down and obscuring one's perogative to lament.. we have such biases towards vulnerability. if you strip it all away, all the emotional, experiential checks, you become me right now... sick and tired, runny nosed and without strategy. sitting in a dark room infront of a computer with no notion of what to do, how to feel. aware of your own head pounding

i think this is the only tableau upon which i can make sense of the world. the only macro-analysis that i have found to fit.

i am beyond ...right now. i don't know what fits in the blank.. at first i was going to say numb, buts it not that. i just feel a hole, the absence of something. the lack of clarity. perhaps i am just beyond myself ( email, 5/05/02)

My grandfather, Claude D' Arcy Clapp, passed away Friday May 2nd at 6:15pm. I found out about it at 4:30pm on Saturday. (i.e the frivilous post preceeding) I loved him, and I miss him. I am numb, and very much in denial. A generation has folded back on itself...a whole generation! I feel so lonely in this world, so rootless..

its as though someone is dragging an eraser acorss my family tree

ghosts. they are all ghosts. i've lost them all. my anteceedents.. my grandmother, my grandfather.

i feel so defeated

things i don't like:

sore throats & headaches
high pitched laughs
spending 12+ hours in the library
final exams
soilders who attack iraqi civillians armed with "shoes" (ooh, how menacing, really...)

ACK

No conception of rationality that fails to accept
irrationality as a part of human nature is truly rational.
- andy

wise words.

rough draft 1 (scribbles): "arrested" instinct, "accquaintance-ship"
melinda is getting ass on the bfc (bodily fluid couch) and i'm not. no, never that...(whales and poverty, whales and poverty...)

haven't posted in a while. it seemed appropriate to utter an "ACK".

to express my collective disgust with everything that is in its entirety our world.

the product of half a sem of chinese:

weishenme tanbulai..
weishenme tanbulai..
weishenme wo gen ni tanbulai?

sleater kinney, far away (chorus) - why can't i get along/ why can't i get along/ why can't i get along with you...

my sisters visit tomorrow. my personal affairs are still messy, hwr. i feel like some garbage collecting is due.

in other news, there is a big tub of tofu in my fridge. makes me happy

it is totally unfair of me to construct my moods this way. this stops right now. right now. period.. ( i mean it) there are so many good things here. so many people that make me smile. in order from last time made me smile ... lev, samar, osvaldo, meara, kanishk, sunny, tess, lance, jade, melinda, niiamah... well, sure there are others --- if you aren't listed, that just means you haven't made me smile in the past 2 hours. blah blah blah. i am going to sleep.

with every fiber of my body i want to kiss _ _ _ _ _ (hangman style). i have envisioned it so many times over the past few months, its the first image that appears when i close my eyes.. blink, even. i don't know, i imagine it would be sort of awkward.. but we would close our eyes and lean in, and.. and then we would smile. there would be the grins, and the eye contact, and the flushed expressions. i have imagined it all... its very palpable, very real. very much something that i want.

instead, for what feels like the twentieth conseutive friday, i am sitting alone, pressing my palm to my lips to try and imitate the feeling... i've took a leap but i am in the same place, with no answers... i want my pragmatic side to step in, to tell me what i should and shouldn't do... to0 rid me of the extraneous feeling. and it would, except i still have all these movies in my head, and they feel so nice, so comfortable... i don't want to give up on the possibilty yet. i'm still hoping, i guess... i feel throughly ridiculous.

...restless, fidgtedy .

in what i can only identify as some perverse form of self-sabotage, i spent the last hour rereading all of the emails that i sent to people over the past 2 years. i like words. i like the way i use them.

moglidabear: i'm not stressed. i'm as ambivalent and whiny as ever...
RootsRock9: that's good

BAH! screw this weekend!

How fucking weird is this? I ended up on campus-watch.com, the site famous for its terrorism of academics on college campuses...

http://www.campus-watch.org/article/id/622

i am so confused...

who says the war is over?

communication is so hit and miss.

i feel very sad, fatigued, frustrated, and lonely.

we stand in a line:
the widow, the sister, the healer, a niece;
the daughter yet unformed
dressed in white with our heads
tucked under heavy cloth

narratives of grief
twitch across our vocal cords
like a rope being looped and pulled

we turn to whisper small shrieks
in one another' s ear with
clipped tongues and
our sorrows emerge a
small silent wind

in this palliative unit of women grieving
for their men, for their sons
lymphocytes are transfused for tears
and a new plasma forms

maybe metaphor will save
us all

i'm feel priviledged to know that today, i am able to mourn benjamin ezie, the actual man, instead of an abstraction... the distant evocation of family ties; ezie, truth. it is true that a man has lived nobly and honorably when men and women cry, knowing the full weight of their tears.

i have lines of grief etched so deeply across my face... god, strike me down if i am ever found guilty of being incompassionate! there are narratives, dialogues of mourning being spoken everywhere: in iraq, texas, nigeria. i know it, i know the vernacular of pain, the plasma of tears, and it priviledges me. it priviledges me so! how inhuman to be unable to understand loss.

my uncle benjamin ezie passed away on sunday. he was 36, my dad's younger brother. looked like wesley snipes, drove a black mercedes, loved me and my sisters hard. addressed us like peers, friends, rather than childern. 2 months ago he tried to visit me at yale. we spoke on the phone several times, he told me he loved me, that he was proud. we said that we would see one another next trip.

he died at 36 of renal failure. i wonder if he died even knowing what felled him. the doctors did not diagnose it. kidneys remind me of a bad moon, a severe cresent, a toxic job, toxic disposition. my uncle is the third person i know whom they have betrayed.

i could reference all sorts of things. i could talk about how hes only been married three years and never had the chance to produce a child. i could talk about the voice mails that i recall, his voice bursting with a warmth that i even felt undue. how do you pay homage to a man, how to remember him, enbalm him with words? i don't know, i could probably never do it justice. i think i am going to write him a letter, however ... something that can be read as my father buries him in the obi, two generations of ezies interred.

at a panel on iraq today, one of the lectures said that in the 13th century Baghdad was destroyed by the mongols. more than 100,000 thousand people were slaughtered. it made we wonder if there is more compassion involved in killing entire families than leaving people behind to grieve. i traced that to myself; what if mourning was done away with, what if there was "palliative care" for the bereaved? my mother said to me today that if one of her children died, she would jump off a bridge.

if we could measure the reverberations that one life makes, the number of people who would have to leap off bridges to starve off grief, how long till our waterways would clog? it is a dominio theory: i grieve you, she grieves me, they grieve her; how quickly the world would be incapacitated with sorrow! an endless network of suffering, i imagine the whole world would unwind itself through the six degrees of separation. how profoundly sad it would be to be that last person left unaffected, standing alone on a world, with no one to weep for.

i don't know. i still do not understand death. i sometimes force myself to think that perhaps its not the worst thing. one just ceases to exist. ceases. nothing. no feeling. not bad, neutral even. just your histories behind, legaices untold. the narratives of grief, the reverberations.

i can't express to you how fatigued i am. mentally, pyschologically, anticipatorily (if thats a word). there is nothing that i would thirst for more, at this moment, then to be lying somewhere in the sun. the sun gleaming down on me, sleeping, forever.

i feel as though i am losing my ability to be alone and not lonely (at least, when the sun isn't out) and it has me worried

could i sit in a small room with a window with a view, and a guitar, and be happy? why not?

solitude is uncomfortable

its *nice* how us media networks are declining to reports iraqi civillian casualities. saddam hussein bad guy or not, the US is using some interesting rhetorical devices to prop their war effort. "coalition forces" is one that struck me today. also, "iraqi liberation." uh huh, uh huh, uh huh.

its cool that cheany's daughter is headed to baghdad to serve as a human shield

so, i'm happy again. but i have had to adopt strange modes new of locomotion due to some indescreet shaving i performed this weekend. my new nickname seems to be "chafted ass". anywayz..

Grandma Jade's Advice Column, 25 march 2003

RootsRock9: ok, crab legs
RootsRock9: i will just say that, you is crazy for shaving your whatsnot
RootsRock9: and that you should take care of yourself
RootsRock9: the body is a delicate thing
RootsRock9: dont go shaving things on a whim

NOW OFFERING BLOG-IN-TRANSLATION.

tired of all the oh-so-florid ambiguity? for a limited time, scroll back and enjoyy

love,

the concrete fem

i'm pissed off. (translation: i emailed that motherfucka a week ago! )

redhairphoenix: you are always pissed!
moglidabear: so what, dammit! (translation: hell yeah -- WHAT?!? )

its time that i reconfigure my emotions, erect the shields once more. if only my mind didn't thirst to dream

(translation: for the past 19 years i have more or less weeded all the extraneous "does my crush like me" ym vulnerabilty shit out of my life.... and you know what? i liked it! it would probably still be working if i wasn't so horny! everyone needs something to think about at night, and, well, i've run out of imaginary men and celebrities. its a sad sad day)

BLAH.

after spending way too many days holed up in the house (in front of the computer and the tv), i visited my high school, and saw erica and candice. i still don't necessarily feel like i've managed my vacation time well. i don;t know. i also feel a bit like i've been searching for something that's absent... one of my basic necessities as a human being is to feel cared for by the people that i extend myself to. for instance, not replying to my emails is not okay. i read a lot into silences! ... oh well.

( translation: if i speak, its because i want to be spoken to. thats the way it works, clear? call, response. i say banana, you say banana. i have every right to be offended when the system doesn't work on account of YOU.

p.s please email me grievances if you think i'm similarly ignoring you. i'll mend my ways, i swear!)

right now, i'm watching unfaithful for the love (ahem, sex) scenes. sappy

( translation: why is diane lane banging the frenchie? i want to bang the frenchie! )

jade: how you feelin?
me: bewildered, powerless, and depressed
jade: WHY ARE YOU FEELING LIKE THAT???
me: generally, when i am reminded that the world is fucked up, i try to be as miserable as possible. vicariously, that is. sometimes it leads to good poetry

"The case this administration tries to make to justify its fixation with war is tainted by charges of falsified documents and circumstantial evidence. There is no credible information to connect Saddam Hussein to 9/11. We cannot convince the world of the necessity of this war for one simple reason. This is a war of choice."
Sen. Byrd, the oldest voice in Congress, on the War against Iraq 19-03-2003

i've been scowling all day. i don't know, maybe being back home is the opposite if what i've first expressed: its way too real... i've been reduced, made small, my voice nullified. i realize, now, that school acts as a buffer; being a student is a position of comfort and relative power, as well as severe myopia. in buffalo, i can't hide behind textbooks and claim to be making a difference

ack, ack, ack. war over diplomacy.. i've been boycotting the television for the past three days

my mind has been racing all night: its the quickest way for me to become stir crazy. i logged on instant messanger around 9 o clock, and stayed on until 2am because i really needed to talk, to speak, to enunciate... sometimes i talk and i write, and then suddenly things make sense of themselves. tonight, i had to articulate the same feeling three times over to finally understand what was bursting forth from me through language

moglidabear: i dont know. knowing that buffalo is somehow no longer the real world
moglidabear: and that yale is also not necessarily the real world has me feeing like i am in limbo
moglidabear: its really weird, and really really unsettling
moglidabear: in the sense that nothing feels right anymore
moglidabear: i don;t know. i dont think i can express much more, because i haven;t really thought it all through
moglidabear: i just know that, right now, my whole world feels fake
* 17 mar 2003 - - - rootsrock9

moglidabear: i guess maybe i'm realizing how much i have come to depend on things being structured that way
moglidabear: everything at school is so ego-centrically focused, so introverted, and small.. behind gates. so managed. i don;t even have time to think, really. i dont have time to let myself stagnate
ricochet2112: i mean, i think yale is definitely different from the real world in that sense, but i think that just my being conscious of that fact is enough to keep me from worrying about it
moglidabear: well...hmm. i feel the same way about home, i think. weird, huh?
moglidabear: maybe thats even why i haven;t made moves to contact my friends
moglidabear: its a little bit too surreal for me to even bother worrying about
*17 mar 2003 - - - ricochet2112

moglidabear: sometimes talking to people helps you articulate thoughts and ideas that you wouldn't ordinarily be able to even pronounce
redhairphoenix: definately
redhairphoenix: humans are dependant on social contack
redhairphoenix: contact
moglidabear: tell me aobut it
moglidabear: i've been online for the past 5 hours i think
moglidabear: i kind of just craved contact
moglidabear: the familiar type. not even the type i could get here, from people like khuyen and candice
moglidabear: in a way, i feel like we are out of touch
redhairphoenix: you and candice?
moglidabear: well, me and buffalo, i guess, more accurately
moglidabear: i keep trying to remind myself that the people and structures here are still important to my life
redhairphoenix: its hard to assimilate in college and still leave emotional attachments at home
*17 mar 2003 - - - redhairphoenix

war in 48 hours...

i stand indignant.

after traveling all across the northeast for the past week, its strange being deposited back home. the weirdest thing i've experienced in my 12 hours back is the news... before being exposed to mass amounts of media coverage on iraq, i never realized how difficult it is to have an independant intellect in this country. propaganda is imbeded in everything.. even news, the recitation of facts. last week, one of my friends likened the period of flux that the country is in to that of the 1950's. i never imagined the existence of that kind of circularity of historical events .. however, the red-scare has all but reapeared: we hate the french, we burn the dixie chicks in efigy for insulting the president (bush's war is gonna fail, kinda like he did at yale.. a popular new haven anti-war chant), and people wearing peace tshirts are arrestable. we are afraid of arabs.

america, post 911, is hued by insurgent nationalism fused with infathomable amounts of inequity. what we remember of the 1950's are poodle skirts and drive in's, yet the civil rights movement and the repeal of jim crow hadn't even made it to the books... in 2002 - 2003 , civil liberties are again being ignored and reversed.. (the patriot act, forced registration and "disappearing" of muslim nationalists, preemptive war/ breech of international law...) in favor of a garish public culture of flag waving and high fashion. the home cooked simplicity of a simple minded president. ugh ugh ugh. i take a somewhat exhaustive delight in imagining how this period will be rearticulated 10 years from now in history books.

other news: visited georgia, zara, nii. home on sunday. birthday party and birthday dinner (india gate). they gave me happy birthday kheer.. it was delightful :)

right now, i'm hanging out in my room with the ac on. the weather is finally springy... listening to a love slow jams mix tape & trying to get over this nasty cold. i am such a mushy romantic. and such a pissed-off indignant raging/radical ass woman. i am going to conquer this system and its laws one day. i am going to train and master the laws, and then i'm going to master it.... the whole damn thing, this political game

zaijian

hanging out in montreal right now, bumming the internet off of mcgill kids. i was going to try to say that sentence in french, but i'm not that smooth. all is well. all is well that ends well. whatever. i'll be 19 in two days. i'm excited. its a nice respectable age.

i got some slpainin to do. why i am a loony-ass militant:

as a black womyn in this country, i don't have the leisure of being 'apolitical'

i wore my pants with the 15 holes in them today. playing with them while in the library was yet another fascinating diversion from midterm studyage

i am ready for this week to over. tomorrow's exams are giong to kick my ass... i am also starting to realize, day by day, how truly FUCKED UP yale really is. its giong to take this school a few more centuries to shake off the elite white male privledge thing. in the meantime, its all a bit disgusting. blah.

i need a change of environment

4 am pj harvey *(interpretive) dance party ~

can you think of a better distraction from midterms?

i got a kiss on the cheek today (woo hoo)!

no. not from him. anyways, platonic? i guess, in the end, the question amounts to whether i think i can get good lovin... which is to say, i first have to evaluate the quality of the potential lovin. movie starr action -- yes/no? or teenage boy action? i mean, if its going to be gross, awkward, sloppy teenage boy action, i might as well just go ahead and 'ride my own mule down the grand canyon.', yee haw!

my head hurts.

things thats i like:

• rocky and bullwinkle
  
• blowing my nose
  
• more cartoons! simpsons
  
• teeny weenie super guy (sesame street)
  
• brak from space ghost and haiji from johnny quest
  

i think its sad that mr. rogers died

i had a funny conversation with lev today about boys. he's so smitted with his lady.. you couldn't smack the smile off of his face ...

i also realized that i have a HUGE amount of studying to do over this next week if i don;t want t flunk out of school. its going to literally be excruciating... immersion begins now!

"President Bush, making his case for war, said a new government in Iraq would help spread democracy across the Middle East"...isn't this the same man that defined freedom in terms of open door trade?

i've been in a most peculiar of moods today... a good, energetic, empowered, radiant type of mood. perhaps because i am wearing a happy shirt. . . i also went to the library staxx for the first time, and they kind of turned me on:)... lots of potential, for sure. in bad news, my throat hurts, and i still haven't gotten back into the habit of doing homework. oh well

i hate dining hall food.

   i hate dining hall food.

i almost died eating at branford yesterday because i put mayonaise on my mashed potatoes by accident instead of butter. i started feeling really nasty real fast, so i got in bed around 7:30pm (for the gruesome details, see the previous blog). i'm currently entering my 24th hour of cruel and unusual stomach pain. and to top it off, i've got a fucking head ache. the other terrible thing that happened today was my history teacher asked me what my name is.... now im going to totally get busted next time i fall asleep! aww shucks!

i went to harmony place and konjo tonight, and that was cool. i'm currently proofreading hy-ho's paper. it looks like this will be my second night of not doing any homework. blah.

6 more days until the dining hall close (strike) and i eat good...yesss

i spent the whole night doubled-over puking. fun.

its raining out. i walked home at 3:30am from old campus, and when i got to my door, i jumped into the biggest puddle that i could find. converses and all... my feet are wet, but i feel good.

i may be melodramatic, but i have become increasingly in touch with the way i feel, and i have been having mood swings like crazy! ( i apologize to all those who i have im-med while disgruntled...) given a random sample of friday and saturday nights, half of the time my face is plastered with a manic smile, and the other half i am absolutely teeth-gratingly miserable. tonight was cool, yesterday sucked ass ... it took 30 minutes sitting in the rain to recover from the stir-craziness. last weekend was AMAZING, but the weekend before pissed me off. i think the week before that, things were good. for the first time, something/someone has really gotten under my skin... its obnoxious and exciting at the same time. at the very least, it reminds me that i'm not existentially dead.

this 'questioning' has reached the bounds of its own logic -- it makes my head hurt. i half don't care what this is really all about anymore, i just don't want to keep contemplating .

i am becoming positively addicted to blogging. i am sad, happy, pissy, whiny, sexy.. therefore i blog. anything that comes to mind. whatever is in my head. self expression. hmm. delicious and devestating at the same time.

i have decided to completely reprioritize my life. in the future, upon meeting people, i will hand them a questionaire to fill out, entitled ' what do you really want from me?' i have a decreasing tolerance for feeling insecure within my relationships. i also HATE speculation. but mostly, its the insecurity thing that completely saps me of positivity and self esteem. (why the hell do i feel guilty about calling you on the phone!?! why do i permit myself to feel this way?? ) ziji, ziji. it means 'by or for oneself' in chinese. the past few months have almost been a religious experience, in the sense that i have spent all my time looking for sources of meaning outside of myself ... its absolutely riduclous! no more, no more, no more.

i was the first person in the library today.

please stop spamming my mailbox with crush emails

blah.

hmm. so its platonic.

i'm going to kiss the next guy i see walking down the street. in the meantime, i should probably invest in a vibrator.

my website was down for 24 hours, but its back, in all its skanky glory.

mediocre day. the kind when you realize its midnight and then you say, 'shit, what the hell did i do tonight?!?!' haven't done any homework yet, but i've managed to squeeze in alot of paper-stress time, which is always useful.

when i call home, my little sisters always chastise me about not getting any ass. they are 16 and 17, goddammit. (my mom chimes in too!) isn't this problematic?

good to begin well, better to end well. good to end. tonight's theme is transcendence. i have that ugly ' i didn't get any email' feeling in the pit of my stomach. something about the way my plans for spring break don't exist is also bothering me. so is the eternal frustration of not being able to read people's minds.

when will i actually realize myself in the form that i idealize? its silly and its funny and its silly all at the same time how much i aspire to be. sometimes i can't tell whether this yale shit is positive or negative. admittedly, i'm not impressed by the people that i meet all that often (impressed that they are smart asses, yeeah!), but still. there is all this innate competiveness (subtle, yes). you want to know what makes them so good. and you want to be better. or you want to be good too, in your own right. blah. fight the blah. fight the fight.

i wore my sexy pants today but i still feel icky. maybe its the just the internet that i hate? and mail. mailboxes. i can't remember the last time my computer made me feel good

every single week, i allocate some portion of my time to talking to catherine (katie, katie! fine! ) online. i call it my 'mandatory procrastination time.' the conversations we have are absolutely delightful.. i think that i have literally saved every single one. here are some more quotes for you to enjoy:

moglidabear: :-) its sad when you have fantasies about teenage boys
moglidabear: instead of sexy long haired italian men
redhairphoenix: as opposed to?
redhairphoenix: hahaha
moglidabear:oh, its also sad when your fantasies consist strictly of holding hands and making out
---
redhairphoenix: hehe, i think you'd like les savy fav
moglidabear: hehe..thats a band?
moglidabear: i thought you were saying something in french
redhairphoenix: oh
redhairphoenix: hahaha, yeah
redhairphoenix: dude, you TOOK french!
---

moglidabear: isn't it a silly feeling when just thinking about somebody makes you smile?
redhairphoenix: haha
redhairphoenix: i'm really jealous of you
moglidabear: jealous of?
redhairphoenix: your relationship
moglidabear technically, there is none
moglidabear: all i've got is unrequited lust, baby!

this website literally gives me the chills... in the good way, that is.

Protest Pics From Around The World, Feb 15

i got four clues today from that stupid 'someone has a crush on you' thing by entering in 25 fake email addresses. the person who loooves me has black hair, likes to shop for clothes, ideally would walk through the park on a date, and is between 17-21...

fuck you!

in other news, i accomplished ABSOLUTELY nothing today. nada. zipo. talked to jade/zara for 3 hours, my mom for an hour and a half, and radah chebat for 17 minutes. (too bad i was supposed to be preparing for a midterm, aye? )

by the way, the numbers coming back from the anti war protests are astounding ! ! ! i am browsing through articles in the times and cnn, and i literally have the chills. these words were actually printed in the NYT:

"For the moment, an exceptional phenomenon has appeared on the streets of world cities. It may not be as profound as the people's revolutions across Eastern Europe in 1989 or in Europe's class struggles of 1848, but politicians and leaders are unlikely to ignore it"

this war is not a consensus .. democracy begins in the streets!

i tripped around new york city today, and mangaged to survive the entire experience on a 4-pack of pudding snacks, 3 clementines, an iced tea, and a bowl of soup. (approx 600 calories total :)

also walked 30 - 50+ blocks. the anti-war protest that i was in town for was a big disappointment. because law enforcement gave us a hard time, there were lots of distractions from the actual symbolic goal of the event. i cringe to think how the media is going to report it. it annoys me when good things get fucked up

after 4+ hours of standing outside in protest mode, i went to warm up at a barnes & noble. then, tess and i snuck a quick meal (the tiniest bowl of soup you could ever imagine) at a turkish dive. after that, we went to see sleater-kinney . it was very very cool... i was way too short to see much of anything (and they didn't play the set list that i exactly wanted to hear ), but sometimes the music really hit home. a couple of songs off of one beat, and then renditions of 'dig me out,' 'call the doctor,' etc really did it for me... i sang and danced myself hoarse. i also got a foo fighters button

peter met me in nyc for the show. its funny how many times our relationship has rewritten itself in my head over the past 48 hours. yesterday we talked and messed around with guitars until 3:30 am, and tonight's activites ran from 7pm until 2:45am. i have decided that he is irresistiably delightful to be around.

these past two days have been so fullfilling, its disgustingly fantastic... but then comes sunday -- the worst day of my life, only cycled back every week..

adios

i had a fabuolus valentine's day by the way (not that kind of fabulous, honey...). i enjoyed myself alot. and rather than decide what i want from people ahead of time, its better just to go with the flow. its very rational, actually. i hate ambitions and agendas. why obscure the moment for a vision of the long term?

to censor oneself, or to not censor oneself?

one day i'm going to get totally busted for what i write in this blog. therefore, this is a disclaimer.

i got one of those stupid "someone has a crush on you" emails today. i'm not falling for it... (you tease!) let me be bitter and fussy and single this valentine's day in peace.

my new homework strategy is to finish one set of assignments a night. not exactly ambitious, i must say. but so far, its monday night, and i have finished all of this weeks assignments for sociology and anthro. i have 3 books to read for history, but thats it, minus chinese. i like this new concept of time management. i may even prviledge myself with a wednesday night trip to music appreciation..

my valentines focused plans are quickly dissolving. one - by valentine's day i'll be menstruating like a demon, and the sex impulse will probably all have but fled from my body, and two -- i fear that my relationship is growing more and more platonic right before my eyes, and i can't seem to stop it.. (dammit, i want to) today was the polite dinner time conversation (i admittedly was flustered the whole time), and then saturday was the disorganized chatter and nirvana mp3s. what if we're just friends? grrr. i think i am starting to pms, too. i have felt decidedly ugly ever since i got my passport photos taken earlier tonite.

bah bah bah. hell yeah, i'm the black sheep.

v-day speech draft two (multiple choice)

Q: Is this...?
A:
a) friendship
b) the yale new haven chapter of the nirvana/sonic youth fanclub
c) we like each other but are both dumb fucks

men don't like declarations. okay.

my anti-war stance in the debate over whether the us should initiate war with iraq has gone through many evolutions. more recently, peter, colin powell, and a dc taxi driver have forced me to deal with the implications of my beliefs. i did. here is the newest incarnation of my political belief regarding war:

initially, much of the anti-war movement was a reaction to the intellectual dishonesty ladden in the bush administration's rhetoric about war. the statements issued about iraq have included everything from claims of the existence of a biblical "axis of evil," to somewhat imaginative claims that iraq is an al queda a terrorist nation (and who can forget the ''wag the dog"-esque whispers of a long forgotten gulf war pilot, scott stryker, who we are now to believe is being held captive by iraq?) the US points for war have been refuted by diplomatic authorities just about as thoroughly as bush's blueprint for the tax cut has been battered by economists. the evidence that the govenment claims to have regarding the location of bombs they refuse to reveal to even the un inspectors themselves. the war agenda has not been presented and argued to allow for a referendum by the people... instead, it has been covered in a way that justifies bush's reelection as the war time president.

what if iraq has bombs? (well, frist of all, the united states got lucky). this it itself does not point the casual arrow to a declaration of war. far more serious matters need to be considered when discussing iraq's disarmament. first, in the event of an aerial attack on major iraqi cities, 200,000 - 500,000 civillian casualties are estimated to occur. second of all, independant of the un security council, the united states would be launching a preemptive unilateral war. such a war would be a crisis for international diplomacy.. and would set a very dangerous precedent for future interaction between global powers.

third of all.. peaceful diplomatic disarmamamet is possible. it is what is favored around the world, outside of the united states and britain. also, in the un, nato, and by the inspectors themselves, who have commented to news sources that iraq is cooperating with increasing agreeability. i only hope that cooler heads will be allowed to resolve this matter... while calling back the troops is not nearly as big and flashy as the current us plans for war, in the end, we need peace in the middle east. what will the us invest in iraq after it has torn it apart with bombs? what does this bode for global stability? what, even, about the significance of the lives of american soilders?

i've said my piece.

101 ways to make me hate your guts (in no particular order)

1 - consistently mispronounce my name: (i.e) chinyair, initchriyae, ms. easy...

2 - in regards to college admissions, comment to me, " it helped that you were black, right?"

3 - hold a nice, concerned discussion about affirmative action in front of me (while pretending that i'm not around), and conclude with the remark: "well, it just hurts them, because they really aren't qualifed [for college]. "

4 - tell me that activism is a waste of time

5 - drape a 'for god, country, and yale' banner on your wall, & not mean it as a joke

6 - be republican, libertarian, a democrat, or my favorite .. liberal politically & ecomonically conservative

7 - critique the welfare program, and somewhere in your argument express your discontement for "crack mothers" [who] "exploit the system for food stamps"

8 - be a left leaning person who doesn't know their shit

saturday was perfect. am i melodramatic?

i elaborate:

1) for the first time ever, i feel as though my feelings of happiness and well being rely partially on another person /events and circumstances outside myself and

2) i want to cry but am refusing to allow it

things are building up, getting dammed up inside of me. my roomate is sleeping with an audio feed from china playing on the computer, trying to capture the spirit of the new year. my heart goes out to her, stuck in a foreign place..

its hard to resist the ties that bind us to things outside of ourselves

i feel completely emotionally ravaged

i went to a naked party on saturday. operative word?: naked. me?: definently naked. everyone else?: naked as well. naked dancing, naked drinking, naked coversations. the senior that i have a crush on in my dorm has a superman tattoo above his ass.

good times.

i am feeling good for the first time in a long time (ignore the devestating sex comment). i am feeling good in my skin, as well as at my loci -- my ordered pair point of existence on the coordinate plane. my roomates have agreed to not make me feel small, and its really important. really. i feel good

i've spent the past few days feeling devestatingly sexy

yay for good hormonal levels and good esteem

sleep is tugging at my eyelids, but i have had a thirst for poetry for days now... months, i imagine, if i calculate precisely when the well went dry. perhaps i am waiting to be activated into a state of some sonic outrage... at the present moment, my emotions resist all mode of buildup. my sentiments sit like pellets of rabbit dung in different, disconnected corners --- a panging of resentment at government and the rhetoric of empire, a twinging sadness towards deatth and a solemn appreciation for mourning --- two things have happened in the past few days: 4 of my classmates (none of whom i had known) were killed in a car accident, and the US agenda of war further unfurled before me. i marched outside in the cold of dc with hundreds of thousands. i called my family to tell them i loved them. i paused to reminsce on the pathways of grief. its not that i don't feel.. (GOD, may i never be felled by apathy ) its just that i do not feel strongly, intensely, passionately enough. i know this because i still cannot write poetry. it is a kind of litmus strip. things are not right, i am too silent.

i need words text release. i need to create. i want my imaginative senses back. i want to express, i want to create. i want to lose myself in sentiment. i want words. text. i want to scratch my hand across the page and then sit before a foreign thing that i have produced, of my own subconsious design. i think i am liable to burst

note taking: O'Neill criticized the political and media environment in Washington, which he felt stifled honest discussions about the nation's problems.

"It's all about sound bites, deluding the people, pandering to the lowest common denominator," he said. "I didn't adjust (in Washington) and I'm not going to start now."

the connecticut countryside is beautiful

in buffalo i am existentially dead.

last night, i dreamed about making love to a woman. it wasn't entirely unpleasant